Thursday, March 12, 2009
Do you know you're going crazy?
What I wonder is this: do crazy people know that they are really going crazy? I mean, we all have off little thoughts. Using a suicidal person as an example. What is going through his/her head as they begin to plan and then start to carry out their suicidal plan. Do they realize, "Oh crap, I'm freakin' suicidal." Does it begin with benign minor thoughts of "This day suck" and "I wish I were just dead" but not really meaning it. Does it continue from there. Like the thought of suicidal crosses you mind and you realize that this time you actually gave it a little real thought. I don't know - maybe the fact that I can't seem to verbalize what I want to say is proof that I ma going crazy. Well, I guess if that happens this blog will become more interesting...
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The answer is easy.
ReplyDeletePeople always tend to rationalize.
In your mind you make descisions based on what you know.
For example: if you think puppies are cute you will pet them because it makes you feel good, if you want to buy a car you will check if you can afford it and than perhaps buy it, etc etc.
I started to realize that I hate everything I am doing in my life and that I cannot change this. Neither can other people. It's when you start to realise that you are in a vicious circle that you become suicidal and sometimes crazy. Currently, I am realising that I am losing it, but it is out of my control.
Not totally, I can still smile, but I am just really really unhappy. I just add everything up and death seems to be the only solution.
I'd rather not kill myself, but I don't think anyone is gonna do it for me. Seeking death is just a feeling, like feeling hungry. You can't just not think about it once it's there. If someone could give me a life other than mine I would give it a try, but this is just not doable. Every day is pain. I am 19 years old and my life is over.
IN SHORT: you know you are losing it, but it's not as dramatic as people say. You choose suicide because it's the best option. You do realise that it's wrong, but you just don't care.